did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
