I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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