Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
