i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
