why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
