The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
