dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
