If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
