I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
