a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
