she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
