I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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