matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
