Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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