Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
