She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
