What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
