i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
