Tell her she can't have a vagina
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
