I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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