i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
...so i touched it.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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