I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
