Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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