I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
