I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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