Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
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Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.