can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance