Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
