i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
