wrigley field is MILF paradise
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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