She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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