so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
