wanna go halves on a baby?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
