if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
