So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
