I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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