Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(860): View more from Connecticut

oh good, I think they're gone

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the painters?

(860): View more from Connecticut

my herpes

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(505): View more from New Mexico

No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.

Fav 3 2396 816
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(802): View more from Vermont

He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.

Fav 40 4463 916
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(225): View more from Louisiana

We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

Fav 24 1712 5730
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(330): View more from Ohio

now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.

Fav 14 2854 1372
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.

Fav 7 2804 1140
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor

Fav 6 1106 1567
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(801): View more from Utah

He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue

Fav 4 159 181
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(707): View more from California

so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.

Fav 0 41 2
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