My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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