Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
