Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
