um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
