wrigley field is MILF paradise
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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