Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
