I puked a lego.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
