On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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