margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
