Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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