omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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