Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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