It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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