Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
