Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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