It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
