ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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