Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
