So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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