take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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