trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
