so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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