i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
