just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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