i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
