Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
